Mental Note:

It sure feels good to be right.  But for most all of us, that’s not a full-time gig.  Sometimes, despite our best intentions (or not) we do stuff wrong.  We offend people.  We say and do things that hurt the ones we love.  Because this is a universal truth, I highly recommend learning how to apologize sincerely and expecting those that love you to do the same.  It’s a skill worth having.

What is an apology?

First and foremost, an apology is about what you said or did, not merely about how they feel.  How they feel matters, for sure.  But your job in apologizing is to address what you did.

“I’m sorry your feelings got hurt.”

is NOT an apology.

 “I’m sorry that I (very specific thing you did) and that hurt you.”

is an apology.

For most of us, it’s REALLY hard not to focus on explaining WHY we did the thing that we did.  And sometimes that has it’s place in the discussion, as long as you’re extremely clear that you are not saying that it excuses what you did, just that it sheds a little light on where you were coming from.  If you MUST include an “I did it because I thought/felt…” your apology won’t land as sincere unless you follow it immediately with “…but I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry” or “I wish I hadn’t and I’m sorry.”  Let your last word be sorry.

If you approach it with “I did it because you…” you’re not making an apology. You’re making an argument. It’s fine if you’re not ready to apologize. Just know that you’re not actually apologizing.

One more pointer, if your truest goal in apologizing is that they not be mad at you anymore, or that they apologize back to you, then your apology has strings attached, and loses merit. They may or may not forgive you right away.  They may or may not be sorry too. It usually takes a minute, or a day, or longer. If you’re sorry for what you did, apologize anyway.  The rest will sort itself out.

Click here to see other tips that can greatly impact your relationships. Learn how the ‘Paradigm Shift’ of Walking Outside During Important Conversations can lower the temperature, and the science behind less emotionally charged conversations.